During all these opportunities life got super crazy. I just finished a super crazy few weeks and am glad to be back to my calmer style of normal. But through the busy the last month or so I learned some major things about myself, or at least saw them more vividly.
1. I am not a good home maker. I get exhausted and don't have a routine at all for getting things done at home so instead I avoid it and let it pile up. Then, I really want to avoid it and, yeah that does not help. I find myself feeling horrible about how my home is and then feeling like I am trapped in a downward spiral of mess. then only when we have a visitor coming do I panic and get it all cleaned up or hidden, only to pile up again. This hits me hard because I need to be able to take care of my home and family. I want to be the wife that can do it all, keep up with my house, and make healthy tasty food for my family, but I am a total failure. People say "Just wait till you have kids, you won't get anything done." I hear this and feel totally lame because that is already my problem, and we do not have kids yet. Maybe I need to hire a housekeeper for my own sanity but at the same time I am too frugal to do so.
2. I have a hard time saying no or missing out on a social activity. I have the social gene. I want to be involved i want to be included and I want to be at any little even or activity that I can possibly squeeze into my schedule. Most people don't have my schedule so most social events are not ideal for my life of getting up early or working on the weekends but that is the life I have so I still try hard to go to as many things as I can. I have had this problem since college and have not gotten a grasp of it. I put my life needs often on hold to be social which kinda leads to some of the above situations. Brian knows I need to be social but this is not one of his needs so he will go wherever I want for the most part. We talk about setting time limits but don't follow through. We talk about what we should and should not do but often still end up super busy. I even fit in my own crazy activities in the time Brian is not around which includes working out, a bible memory challenge with a friend and helping lead a bible study as well as doing an extra Bird course at home. Oh wow this is like an addiction for me I guess.
3. I don't sleep enough. I get up at 5am and pretty much go go go and get home at 7pm and then dinner like 8 or 9 and bed like 11. Most keepers are in bed by 8:30 or 9. Thus I am ridiculous in my attempted sleeping patterns in terms of my career choice, which is a pretty physically exhausting job. I recover a little on my weekend but I am fully and totally exhausted and can't hardly make it home from work on tuesday (my friday) awake, thankfully I carpool and don't drive those days. And some days of the week we are out till about 10 which does not even allow for idle rest time. It is not a problem of I have difficulty sleeping because pretty much if I sit still and rest my head on something I will be asleep in less than 5 minutes. This happens in meetings, while reading and also even in the movie theaters. I have tried to set a go to bed reminder alarm but I don't follow it and I have a hard time wanting to go to bed alone. Brian gets up 3 hours after me and is not tired when I am. He is still up doing things when I should go to bed so I often will want to be with him, since we don't have much time together as it is. This often means I am falling asleep on the couch or floor in the living room. Only to be aroused at 2 am to move to the bed when Brian is ready to sleep. I think if I got more sleep I would be a little more productive and things overall would be better because my body would be functioning at a healthier rest level.
I am not writing this to rant or complain. I am mostly writing to get my thoughts out and maybe start to see my issues and deal with them. To hopefully make some progress and adjust my needs via a good hard try and lots of prayer and reliance on God and His strength, obviously I have failed on my own. I will try and update and progress or new wins or failures to just keep the info going. I hope that normal life in the future for me would be a little less crazy.
I also figured I had not written in a super long time so here is a post. I will try and be more consistent but we will see.